Kate

I forgot to mention the other day at the gym I got my body fat taken. I used a similar electric hand held machine back in April 2007 when I ran my first half marathon. I was 17% body fat at that time, not that I truly trusted the little gadget.

At the gym this time around, I’m at 21% body fat. It’s cool, the best is to be around 25% or lower for women. So, I’m right on target, but I’d like it to be lower. I really would love to have less body fat and more muscle or just less mass overall. I don’t think looking at pictures of Keira Knightly or Victoria Beckham helps any… I have to stop reading gossip blogs…

Today it’s raining. I’ve been pretty distressed the past week and today is no different. I haven’t written much here because I don’t want to sound like “Debbie Downer” as my husband refers to me at various times (see: character from SNL).  So, I’m not going to get into much, other than the fact that I’m down in the dumps and not sure how to pull myself out at this point.

I haven’t had any real interest in working out in the gym the past few weeks. I’d rather exercise at home in the mornings, whether it be lifting or yoga or running.  This is great, but I’m still going to pay for the gym anyway. I’ve wanted to quit it before, but it’s kind of an insurance policy. Luckily, my gym only costs $20 a month.

Therefore, once the cold weather comes (and I no longer have an interest in outdoor/home workouts) I can use it more often and not feel guilty about not using it so much when the weather is still decent out. I’ll get back there soon enough, I’m sure. Just for now, I’m stressing out and don’t feel like leaving the comfort of my home.

As for today, I’m heading home from work soon and plan to do squats, lunges, stretching and some upper body work. I am stressed to the point where I might even just go for a run in the rain to sort things out for myself. I need to do something…

Hopefully I’ll be in better spirits soon! I did donate to StandUp2Cancer and bought a t-shirt that says “In Memory Of” for my dad who passed away this March. The weird thing is that their website has been changing daily and now they don’t even offer the same shirt I bought a few days ago. I hope I get the right item, otherwise I’m not going to be happy!

I attempted to run the 2 miles I had planned for this morning. Read the post below as to why I didn’t get it in this morning…

Unfortunately, my left knee felt a little twinge into the run. So, instead of make matters worse, like I used to do. I decided to stop, walk home and get on my bike for a short ride to relax the legs.

Workout:

• Type: Run
• Date: 08/11/2008
• Time: 17:00:00
• Total Time: 00:06:22.00
• Distance: 0.6 miles
• Average Pace: 10:37.17/mile

My dad passed away this morning listening to his favorite song, Rhapsody in Blue. He didn’t suffer and we all got to see him and talk to him last night. I had an opportunity to hold his hand, talk with him and share my love for an hour alone. I felt he knew it was okay to go and I felt that it was going to happen last night. This morning before I woke up, I felt him with me. He was there while I was in bed and my husband was up getting ready for work. I knew he had passed before my mom called me hours later.

Thank you for your support… I appreciate your lovingkindness throughout everything.

Rest in Peace
Dad
May 30, 1952 to March 14, 2008

Friday we (myself, Chris and my dad) spent 12 hours out at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. My dad wasn’t and isn’t doing well, he can barely walk. We left at 10:30am and didn’t get home until 10pm!! It was supposed to be a 1pm appt and then we’d be home before 4pm. I felt so bad for my dad, he was so unhappy and in a lot of pain. We didn’t eat all day… we just waited around. It was 3 hours before the dr. was able to see him (after a 1 1/2 hour drive). Then he had to wait on another floor 2 hours for an MRI before they would let him go home. Finally, the drive home became 2 hours because of horrible traffic and terrible down-pours. He is still recovering from the long day out. He’s not doing well. It’s stressful. And if my mom would have went, she wouldn’t have done well with such a long day either. It’s very upsetting, my dad is only 55.

In addition, my house is a mess. We’re re-doing our flooring upstairs and the entire house is full of everything out of place. I like to keep an extremely neat and clean home. This has been driving me nuts for a few weeks now. Our bedroom should be done tonight when Chris finished the floor, but I’m so exhausted from it all.

Needless to say, it has been a long weekend. I look forward to the time when life can return to quasi-normalcy and I can work out again. I need it and hope to make it to the gym tonight, but doubt I’ll get there. I’m starting to get sick or just too stressed out and all I feel is exhaustion. I should find out soon about the job I went for, I hope for some good news admist all this other stuff.

I can’t seem to stop crying every time I sit for a moment and have a chance to think. Thanks to Lacey, I feel more comforted by a post in this woman’s journal. This short passage has helped to comfort me in ways which I cannot express. Thank you to everyone else as well through this time!

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted,”
Jesus told a crowd on a hillside.

I have shared the love I have for my dad, with my dad. I hope I don’t break down and cry terribly when I see him, but I think if I can do it once, it’ll release a lot and make this easier. I hope to get to the gym at some point next week, but this weekend we’re still working on the house (it’s a mess!) and we have plans to go and do a lot of things, including spending time with my dad. The gym will be there, but he won’t. So, I’m okay with taking a little time off. It’ll probably be a blessing in disguise, because I bet my knee will heal up well!

Everything seems kind of foolish at the moment. I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling upset and constantly crying when no one is looking. I wake up in the middle of the night, just crying. I thought I was prepared for the day to come when my dad went to be with God, but now I’m not so sure I’m ready to let him go. There is so much more I want to learn from him and so much more I need from him. There are things I want to do with him and future little persons I’d like him to meet, who aren’t even conceived of yet.

He’s been sick for many years with limits placed on his life that he’s surpassed every time. He has had various health conditions, but the cancer came on suddenly in the past year. Thankfully, he was healthy until right after my wedding. A week after my wedding, he found a lump on his leg. It turned out that he had cancer everywhere by the time they diagnosed him months later (colon, lymph nodes, bone and liver). Within a few months of diagnosis, he is here today, a shadow of his former self.

I always wanted to lose weight and become very skinny and bony to the point of being unhealthy so I wouldn’t be “fat”. Seeing my dad go through this and become nothing but bones, I’ve learned that isn’t a way to live. He always lived vibrantly and enjoyed life. I want that for myself too. I’ve tried to learn from this by accepting life as it is. It is so precious, to constantly push for more sometimes seems so trivial. Happiness is inside me, I just have to sit with myself to find it. I want to push my body past its limits, but I want it to be enjoyable. I don’t want to exercise or eat right if I can’t enjoy it. I’m not going to push myself unless I can make this fun, otherwise being miserable and super-healthy is not my goal.

I’m big on family, but my family was never a close one. I hope we can come together, but I feel without my dad we’ll all drift even further apart. He and my mom are the glue that keep us together. I have many fears and while I am very independent, I really do need people. It’s hard to admit that.

I am thankful to God for allowing him to be around long enough to give me away to Chris. I married Chris, because he is a lot like my dad. They say a woman looks for her father in a mate, and a man, his mother. That is entirely true for the both of us. And I am thankful I was able to find someone perfect like him before he passed on.

I’m not sure where my life is headed, but I know the time ahead will be tough. There is a lot I want to share with my dad before he moves on, but I hope I can stay strong. Why is crying considered so weak? Well, I’ve always felt it meant I was weak, but I’m trying to remember that a strong person is allowed to cry. It is being human.

I will try to be positive in my posting about my workouts. I hope through exercise I can relieve some of the stress, clear my mind and enter a new chapter in my life. I hope for new career paths on the horizon and for my family to be okay through this time. I pray that my dad will be able to see me from heaven and be proud of me. All I ever wanted, was my parents to be proud. My mom is going to need a lot of help in the coming years, her health isn’t perfect either. She’s extremely strong though and won’t ask for help. I’ll have to pay extra special attention in order to help her where needed. It’s going to be a rough road ahead, but God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, right?

God bless you all who have been so supportive. I appreciate your kindness as someone who’s known me only through blogland. I appreciate the opportunity to release some of my feelings, this can be very therapeutic as well as such a learning experience. I hope you are all doing well, but I may not get a chance to read much of your writing for awhile. I wish you well on your journeys and hope that someday soon I can join you all back in the quest for a further distance, a faster pace and a stronger, healthier me.

Thank you again…

We got unfortunate news today that the chemo my dad was having is not working. His doctor told him to take a trip to someplace he’s always wanted to go. He’s contacting Sloan Kettering to see if they will take his insurance. I hope they will and then it will give him some hope or at least positive thoughts through this battle. Thank you for your support

I created a list of his talking points to put on my fridge. Feel free to cut/paste and make your own. Re-reading things like this as I go to grab some food is really helpful to get me on track while starting out. After some time, it’ll become old habit just like exercise. Oh, and I plan to get 100% back into exercise and running March 1st. I’ve chosen that day to give me a little more time to rest up, heal and strength train my knee without cardio. Also, it gives me time to mentally focus on my eating, to then bring back in the running. I can’t wait!

Eat Food.

• Don’t eat anything your great grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.
  • Don’t eat anything incapable of rotting.
• Avoid food products containing ingredients that are:
  • Unfamiliar
  • Unpronounceable
  • More than five in number
  • Or that include high fructose corn syrup
• Avoid food products that make health claims.
• Shop the peripheries of the Supermarket and stay out of the middle.
• Get out of the Supermarket whenever possible.
  • Shake the hand that feeds you.

Mostly Plants.

• Eat mostly plants, especially leaves.
• You are what you eat eats too.
• If you have the space, buy a freezer.
• Eat like an Omnivore.
• Eat well grown food from healthy soils.
• Eat wild foods when you can.
• Be kind to the person who takes supplements.
• Eat more like the French., or the Italians, or the Japanese, or the Indians or the Greeks.
• Regard non-traditional foods with skepticism.
• Don’t look for the magic bullet in the traditional diet.
• Have a glass of wine with dinner.

Not Too Much.

• Pay more, Eat less.
• Eat Meals.
• Do ALL your eating at the Table.
• Don’t get your fuel from the same place your car does.
• Try not to eat alone.
• Consult your gut.
• Eat slowly.
• Cook and, if you can, plant a garden.