Kate

Music always helps me feel less alone and like I’ll get through whatever is put in my way at the time. We’ll be ok. Maybe not happy, but we won’t starve. It just sucks and makes me ask constantly, WTF?

"Lonely Girl"
P!NK (feat. Linda Perry)

I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that’s past
Didn’t even take the time to realize

Starin’ at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I’m waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin’ over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I’m tryin’ to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can’t tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin’ awake watchin’ the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don’t even feel the pain, I don’t even want to
try

I’m lookin’ for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin’ is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain’t enough for what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I’m still tryin’ to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can’t tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I’m wondering how you really feel
I’m a lonely girl, I’ll tell a tale for you
Cuz I’m just tryin’ to make all my dreams come
true

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can’t tell, I can’t tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I’m tryin’ to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can’t tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?

Many of my students use this phrase often: FML

And today, this is how I feel.

You know what it means, but I’m going to try to look at the bright side of these three well known, often depressing letters. I have no other choice, as it is no longer up to me. I may be unemployed in a few months, most likely have seen my fate will be sealed by state budget cuts, so I say to you - FML.

F amily - I am thankful to have a family that is at most times supportive. When I think of family, I think a lot of my mom. She always knows what to say, how to calm me down and she reminds me of the ups and downs in everyone’s lives. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but she gives me hope. She’s strong, so I can learn to be strong too. Somehow we’ll make it through.

M emories - While the present is constantly changing, as of late for the worse, no one can take away my memories. I’ve met some wonderful students, made some great strides in my own learning and will take with that memories of good times past and hopes of good times to return, someday.

L ife - I am thankful to have life and more importantly, health. Everyone in my family is healthy, no one is dying and there are blessings coming soon. I have to be thankful for this, for if this happened all two years ago at this time, I’m not quite sure I would have survived.

So, there you go. Do with it what you wish. FML, FML, FML.

What does FML mean to you? And I don’t mean what it really means!

Workout:

• Type: Walk
• Date: 03/18/2010
• Time: 16:00:00
• Total Time: 00:45:00.00
• Calories: 154
• Distance: 2.5 miles
• Average Pace: 18:01.08/mile

It’s an interesting time for people right now. Many things are up in the air. Only time will tell and life will sort itself out. Every time I try to just ignore the things I cannot change, nor have the power to change, I get pulled back in to feeling stress over it. There’s no point in worry, it’s a wasted emotion that accomplishes nothing.

New doors may open, old doors may close. The world is full of opportunity. Now, only if I could keep that thought in my brain for more than a few fleeting moments a day.

Do you keep a written journal? I came across an article about writing 3 pages or 750 words a day to see what comes out of your deepest mind. I usually write in a journal a few times a week, but only about a page. I’m tempted to try out writing daily, 3 pages, of just blatant thought.

I am curious how many of you write daily and self reflect? I couldn’t imagine growing as a human with some self reflection.

I’ve got a lot of positive things to say, I can’t wait to return to my pleasures like twitter/facebook. You may think I’m there, but it’s all a technicality, as my feeds appear magically. See you in… 2 1/2 weeks or less?

On another note…

Planning to go for a 5 mile run after school today. It’s gorgeous out and the sun is shining nicely in my office. Thank goodness for the sun, as I couldn’t take the current stress plus a gloomy cold day.

My neck has been tight the past two days. I don’t know what I did. Maybe for once I’ve been able to sleep so deeply, that I didn’t move an inch and my neck got sore from being in the same position. Just maybe.

Happy running friends

Okay, I gave up my personal Twitter and Facebook for Lent (I still need to keep using my business FB). Some people still think I’m on there, as there are feeds from blogs (like this one) and flickr that are still going to my page & twitter. I’m not there people, as much as I am begging myself to be there! It’s the magic of the internet.

It’s been two long weeks. I have things to say. Lots of them. Nothing bad. Or insane. Just sweet innocent doings of my life or my thoughts. I never thought I was this "into" sharing my life online - as my husband had to pull me kicking and screaming onto Myspace 4+ years ago and then into the blogosphere. Yeah, he’s laughing at me now.

I was almost tempted to just post my thoughts here, as one-liners knowing that they’ll automatically go to FB and Twitter… but I have resisted the urge!

I’m thinking that next year, I want to make a goal to do more of something positive, instead of taking away something like this from myself. Some ideas I’ve come up with are:

1. Running 100 miles during Lent
2. Writing every day for Lent in my journal (at least 3 pages of thoughts each day)
3. Set-up a possibilities calendar to use up free time, instead of lounging on the couch
4. Take a photo daily of [insert something here] for Lent

Do you have any other ideas?

Seriously… I need your comments in support - I’m not sure I can make it until April 4th!

I didn’t get out for a run today. Can I tell you, my entire body is SORE!!! I am dying from the soreness from Friday’s hardcore lifting session. Ah, the pain does feel somewhat pleasurable though. It is raining off and on all day. I’ll take it, and rest these weary muscles. I’ll be out there tomorrow. The end of the week looks fabulous for running outdoors!

Oh, and I had the most wonderful dream last night. You can read more about it here . Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s passing. I miss him every day. We were very close.

3 Beautiful Things…

1. Rain , to save my sore muscles from more punishment.
2. Dreams , when those gone by return to visit and remind me of important things.
3. Husbands , for their thoughts and love during the best and the worst of times.