Kate

Just played some tennis with my hubby. It was nice to get out and do something different.

Logbook Activity

• Type: General Cardio
• Date: 07/22/2008
• Time: 19:00:00
• Total Time: 00:30:00.00

I realize that if I want my dreams to come true, my goals to be realized… I will need to ignore everyone I love.

Well, maybe not that extreme, but I will have to ignore the remarks, comments, sarcasm or guilt trips from family and friends. Over the past month, I’ve heard such things as, “you can take a day off eating your protein” ~ “I know you are in training, but it won’t kill you to have a brownie” ~ “eww, you eat that protein stuff for dessert” or I especially like ~ “have a beer, it’s good for you“.

I want to become a female natural figure competitor. I was a runner and most people came to understand that after 6 years of beating it into their heads. Although, some still didn’t understand. I miss running; I miss a lot of things. I want to keep running while attempting a new goal.

I never had to follow careful eating habits with running. I ate whatever, but tried to keep it healthy. Everyone knew me to be a health-nut, but I still could have some wine or party like the rest of them. Bodybuilding goals take more patience and stricter changes to achieve real results. I want to be different, therefore, I cannot eat or workout like everyone else… then I’ll just be everyone else ~ which is not my goal.

So, the next time someone questions me, or more importantly when I question myself… I’m going to think “if I want to eat like everyone else, then I’ll look like everyone else and that’s not my goal“.

I tend to question myself more than anyone else does. I always worry how I’m going to eat at a BBQ or a party, or will people think I’m crazy. I am crazy, I just have to accept that fact The second a comment is made, I feel like shrinking away and hiding. Why is that? I was such a confident, strong-willed crazy person… over the past year or two I’ve felt more like hiding away and hope to reemerge with huge changes. I have to stand tall and make a change for myself, not hide and hope someone will do it for me. This just isn’t a reality… where are my guts?!
I will not be ready for a show in September, as I wanted to do originally. I have decided to go see that show to see how things work. The next show is in April 2009, so then I’ll have a lot of time to prepare and work even harder than I am now.

Summer BBQ’s, parties, birthdays and all sorts of things could be used as my excuse for not making this goal a reality this fall. These are all just excuses, because I could have kept to a strict plan throughout the summer. I just didn’t realize the amount of thought and preparation that came with this type of thing and let myself off the hook. I feel my change on the horizon. I feel similar to how I felt when the switch flipped in 2002 and I went from the couch to running races for the first time. My mind is made up and I’m not stopping this time.

This is my shot to do something for myself and feel proud that I can achieve what I set my mind to. And to show all those haters that I can do it, well the haters in my mind, I’m not quite sure I have any ‘real’ haters. But if I did, you’d be sure that I’d show ‘em!

I am prepared now though to make some tough strides, further than I went in the first month, to change. It’ll have to be in little steps, but it will be… starting now… starting now… no really, right now!

Somewhat. The A/C is back on at work, so I only had to deal with the high heat for about two hours. I can deal, I can deal…

I ordered a grilled chicken Caesar salad for lunch. It was tasty. I was good, there were a lot of other very tasty things on the menu (cheese steak sandwich, pizza, fries, etc…). I kept to my plan best I could. Aside from that, I’ve munched on pistachios all day & drank lots of water.

I’m in no mood to go to the gym. After being away from home all weekend and not sleeping much, I really just want to go home, lie down and sleep for a week. I have my gym clothes to change, but I have to decide within the next five minutes to change at work, or again make a split decision on the way home passing the gym. I did this last week and the verdict = home for a nap. What will it be today?

This week is going to be a messed up workout week anyway. So, why should I follow my plan? I will do cardio this week, lifting is just too much to think about at this moment, well anything is. I’m tired!? I’ll concentrate on just doing something each day, hopefully riding my nice cruiser bike around with my chihuahua! Next week, I’ll be back to a regular schedule for um, well probably just a week…

There it is, my conclusion for the day ~ a nap. I want to make changes, I want to work hard and treat my body right. I know I am capable of all of these things. One of these days, you’ll see. I’ll be a changed woman for the second time in my life. Reinvention #2 on its way… first I became a runner from a couch potato in 2002 and lost 20lbs. Six years later, I’ll become a bodybuilder/figure-bod from being a runner and lose more weight and just look awesome-er.

Now, if I can just find a way to have children, without gaining any weight or messing up the figure-bod I’ll have created… that would be perfect! Knowing this is in the future in a few years doesn’t get me excited to work hard now either to have it all messed up, well that doesn’t sound nice… to have it all changed with more work to do later.

Future = many possibilities

It all just takes a lot of time, energy and stamina… which I’m lacking at this very moment.

I’m driving to work this morning and I realize that I haven’t brought a fork for my salad today. So, I figured, I’ll have to bring in a set of silverware to wash and use at work over and over. This isn’t the first time I’ve forgotten utensils. Once I get into work, where the a/c has broken today ~ it’s like 100 degrees in my closet office ~ no windows in here I figure out that I’ve not only forgotten my utensils, I’ve forgotten my bag of food for the day. I’d call it a lunch bag, but it feeds me 3 out of 6 meals a day!

So… here I sit, sweating, exhausted and hungry. I’ll have to spend money on some processed crap for lunch, unless I can survive on nuts all day… This Monday is turning out to be the worst. And, since I have no food other than nuts or the option to order out, I’ll be skipping the gym on the way home because I’m not crazy enough to work out on water alone all day. I might go home to eat and head back out, but from the way I feel right now, I doubt it. I feel this week is over before it even started… I give up, next week is another week, another ‘fresh’ start in this stupid quest for something I’m starting to feel might be unachievable… but I just know I can do it! UGH!

Last week was pretty bad, regarding my level of exercise. Also, I didn’t eat as well as I could have. This past weekend… while it was fun to be away and spend time with some great people, I was off my game on eating then too. Which is okay, but I’ve wanted to make some serious changes and finally achieve my goal of a very lean muscular body this year. I feel like I have two good days and then three bad days. I’ve got to start to reverse this cycle or I’ll never win the fight.

I have to decide, either do the workouts/nutrition 100% or get out of the game. Will I ever achieve my goal, it’s been a goal for like 10 years now (to be muscular like figure competitors) and still hasn’t been achievable. I’ve come the closest when I’ve eat well this summer (I’ve noticed some serious changes) but each weekend is a mess-up and my body reverts to its old shape. Luckily, there are no more events or BBQ’s this summer, other than one wedding in August. So, as long as I don’t screw up like today and forget my entire’s day worth of food, I probably can do well.

My week has started off on the completely wrong foot. I feel bloated, hot and upset with myself the longer I sit here. The end of the week, I’m going to stay at my moms from Wed-Sun, so that’s going to screw up my eating/exercising too. I won’t even ask if this week can get any worse, because I’m sure it can.

Welcome to the reality of my world… exercise isn’t easy and neither is eating right. Some days it feels awesome, some days suck like this one. You just have to fight through the sucky days and relish in the good ones. I’m sure I’ll be in better spirits after I sit in this sauna all day, drink water and survive on little else. I’ll probably lose 10lbs! Ha!

I should do more… maybe I’ll get myself to do yoga later…

Logbook Activity

• Type: Cycle
• Date: 07/18/2008
• Time: 18:45:00
• Total Time: 00:20:00.00
• Distance: 2.6 miles
• Average Speed: 7.8 mph

What a workout! I skipped my Wednesday night lower body workout, so I combined both days yesterday. It wasn’t easy, but I made it through.

This week has been a little off in my workouts and eating. I think I’ve skipped/pushed back two workouts, which led me to a long weight session yesterday. If I didn’t do that, I’d be shot for the week. Today, no clothes to hit the gym after work, but I’m hoping for sunshine and a nice bike ride with Bambi later. I’m sure she’ll like it!

Next week I need to keep working on adding more cardio to my routine, as well as not giving in to the ease of just eating like everyone else. I did well last week doing 1/2 hour cardio in 15 minute spurts before/after lifting. That helped me get my cardio in without feeling bored. I think I’ve come to like lifting (some days, not all) because it takes constant thought. I haven’t run much and worry about the monotony. I do miss the solitude of a good run… maybe I’ll bike and run later?

My mind has just been a garbled confused mess lately. Nothing major happening, but some things juggling around in my head. I haven’t felt like I have time to sit with my thoughts. I’ve got to work on more YOGA this and next week too.

So… what isn’t there for me to work on?

I’m always a work in progress and I’m okay with that.

Logbook Activity

• Type: Strength Training
• Date: 07/17/2008
• Time: 12:00:00
• Total Time: 1:20:00.00

Tired, exhausted and sore… beforehand.

Logbook Activity

• Type: Strength Training
• Date: 07/15/2008
• Time: 16:05:00
• Total Time: 00:30:00.00

Walked 5 minutes to warm-up before lifting lower body… then went home after my workout to walk a mile with Bambi around town.

Logbook Activity

• Type: Walk
• Date: 07/15/2008
• Time: 16:00:00
• Total Time: 00:30:00.00
• Distance: 1.25 miles
• Average Pace: 24:00/mile

Lately, I’ve gone through cycles of high energy and low energy. Today, I’m tired and have no desire to stop at the gym on the way home from work. I go through periods of eating well, following my plan and exercising. Then I go through a few days (usually after not eating so well) of feeling tired, worn out and down in the dumps a bit. It’s such a strange thing…

My guess is that it has something to do with the food I’m eating. I understand I am putting my body under more stress than I have in a while. This is obvious in the intensity of my workouts and the mental exhaustion from keeping on track. I understand the feeling of fatigue from working out and know when to curb my enthusiasm. These other feelings though are not so much a product of intense exercise, but they seem to effect me after I have an off day eating small amounts of the less healthier fare.

Every few days, I eat off my plan because of being out and not having control over the meal. I try to stick with the best choices, but sometimes a few tortilla chips or a hot dog slips in. Believe me, I’m not getting on my own case because I know how careful I’ve been these past 4-5 weeks in choosing foods even when I have few options. I don’t want to be strict about how I eat, I worry about eating disorders and becoming obsessive about it. So, I try to cut myself some slack while doing the best I can.

What happens is that I have a few small things and feel fine at the time. The next day though I start to feel exhausted and tired. I begin to lack motivation and start to believe I cannot achieve my goals because of feeling so tired. I don’t feel bad about the food I ate, I just get right back on the horse when I leap off of it. So, it’s not guilt or feeling like I can’t do it because I slipped up. It’s more than that… Some days, I even crave more carbs/sugars/breads in order to serve some need in my body. I was reading in our forums here that others have had similar experiences and found that it may be a lack of protein that caused these cravings.

I have been keeping a detailed log of my eating habits for weeks now. I have found I have done well sticking with a 20% fat, 40% protein, 40% carb mix. I sometimes think I’m eating a lot, but probably ate the same amount before and have no clue what the mix was. There are days in there where I stopped logging or had no clue what to log from eating away from home or packaged meals I’ve made. Usually, after these types of days… I feel like this today. Yesterday was one of those days.

I also went grocery food shopping yesterday with my mom. I find the store prices are making me stressed. We can afford the food we buy, but I feel guilty eating so much or buying the more expensive foods because they are better for me. My husband doesn’t care what he eats, as long as it tastes good. I on the other hand have been stressed planning out 6 meals a day, making sure the ratios are good and keeping a steady stream of protein in my plan. I’m considering cutting back my meals to half-sizes or cutting calories a bit. This would do me well anyway because I’m not really losing weight but maintaining on about a 2,000kcal a day.

So, I’m just up and down lately. I feel great motivation some days and like I’m on fire! Other days, like today (clouds & rain don’t help!) I feel like going home, lying down and thinking over things a little more. I hope to some day escape my food journal and be able to just figure it out mentally without such stress. Taking on bodybuilding has been scary, exciting, nervewrecking and interesting to say the least! I have enjoyed everything I’ve learned and worry if I’ll ever make my goals, change my body size/shape and be able to maintain this for life. I wish I would be able to just hire people to figure all these things out for me, but I’ll just stick with spending my money on the right foods!

Do you ever feel up and down with your workouts?
Do you notice foods trigger moods or feelings of tiredness?

I’m going to research these things online to find out more. I’m sure the hot dog and macaroni & cheese I had at lunch (we had a weenie roast here for fun!) is contributing to my mood today. The food was great, but I’ve got to really either give 100% to a major change or just stay average… I’m torn.

P.S. just writing this, I’m starting to feel more motivation…

So far, in the past 4 1/2 weeks since tackling bodybuilding as a new passion I’ve lost 5lbs (138 to 133 lbs), I’ve increased my weights and have made my goal of 6+ hours of exercise a week. In addition, I’ve fine tuned my eating habits and have felt wonderful from doing so. I’ve changed them to something I can live with forever. I understand many bodybuilders ‘cut’ before shows, but I want to be able to find a lifestyle that I can stay steady with. I might change a few things weeks ahead of a show, but right now I want to concentrate on just eating well to enhance my workouts, not go against them.

This week I’ve already complete 7 hours of exercise and have another bike ride ahead of me tomorrow. For some extremists, this isn’t as much as them, but for me = awesome! It’s always great to see some results and start to achieve your goals!